UNDERSTANDING GRIEF
(As submitted by the Tuscaloosa Chapter of TCF....with
editing)
Grief, with its many ups and downs, lasts far longer
than society in general recognizes. Be patient with
yourself.
Each person's grief is individual. You and your spouse
will experience it and cope with it differently.
Crying is an acceptable and healthy expression of
grief, and releases built-up tension for mothers, fathers,
brothers and sisters. Strong men DO cry. Cry freely
as you fell the need.
Physical reactions to the death of a child may include
loss of appetite or overeating, sleeplessness, and
sexual difficulties. Parents may find that they have
very little eneergy and cannot concentrate. A balanced
diet, rest, and moderate exercise are especially important
for the whole family at this time.
Avoid the use of drugs and alcohol. Medication should
be taken sparingly and only under the supervision of
your physician. It is probably best to stay away from
tranquilizers and sleeping pills....these can lead
to addiction and actually impede the grief process.
If your doctor does prescribe them, realize that they
are intended for very short periods of use....less
than one month. Anti-depressants are effective for
those suffering major depression. It is probably best
to seek a diagnosis from a psychiatrist rather than
from your family physician. A certain amount of depression
is to be expected as part of the grief process and
will lessen as time passes. Alcohol is of no value
to the grief process and in fact, can lead to serious
problems. The use of alcohol blocks the natural feelings
of grief and prohibits healing.
Friends and relatives may be uncomfortable around
you. They want to ease your pain but do not know how.
Take the initiative and help them learn how to be supportive
to you. Talk about your child so they know this is
appropriate. If a particular friend or relative is
unable to open up to your grief....seek out those that
will.
Whenever possible, put off major decisions (changing
residence, job, etc.) for at least a year.
Avoid making hasty decisions about your child's belongings.
Do not allow others to take over, or to rush you. You
can do it little by little, whenever you feel ready.
Parents may feel they have nothing to live for, and
may think about a release from this intense pain. Be
assured that many parents feel this way, but that a
sense of purpose and meaning does return in time. The
pain does not ever go away, but it DOES change. In
time the feeling of unbearable pain will turn to bearable
sorrow and a measure of joy will return to you life.
Guilt, real or imagined, is a normal part of grief.
It surfaces in thoughts and feelings of "if only".
In order to resolve this guilt, learn to express and
share these feelings, and to forgive yourself. Writing
about these feelings is a very effective way of opening
to them and resolving the guilt and anger that is otherwise
buried in our hearts.
Anger is another common reaction to loss. Anger,
like guilt, needs expressing and sharing, in a healthy
and acceptable manner. Support groups, like The Compassionate
Friends, can be extremely helpful.
Children are often the forgotten grievers within
a family. They are experiencing many of the same emotions
you are, so share thoughts and tears with them. Though
it is a painful time, be sure they feel loved and included.
Holidays, and the anniversaries of your child's birth
and death, can be stressful times. Consider the feelings
of the entire family in planning how to spend those
days. Allow time and space for your own emotional needs.
A child's death often causes a parent to challenge
and examine his faith or philosophy of life. Don't
be disturbed if you are questioning old beliefs. Talk
or write about it. For many, faith offers help inn
accepting the unacceptable. You will find that when
you seek answers to the questions of faith....your
faith will grow.
It helps to become involved with a group of parents
having similar experiences. I highly recommend The
Compassionate Friends. Sharing eases loneliness and
promotes the expression of your grief in the atmosphere
of acceptance and understanding.
Bereaved parents and their families can find healing
and hope for the future as they reorganize their lives
in a positive way. |