There's the best, and then there's these guys.  Here are the 1996 versions
of the HACKING MASS and HUCKING MASS teams.  HACKING MASS honors those 
players who were able to consistently stink over the entire season, while
HUCKING MASS honors go to those pitchers who were able to lose the ballgame
for their team in a single inning.  Here are the formulas used:

HACKING MASS:  (0.800-OBA-SBSLG)*(AB+BB), where SBSLG is slugging with net
steals factored in.

HUCKING MASS:  IP*((ERA-4.297)+6*(WHIP-1.409)).

HACKING MASS TEAM
P  Team       NAME      AVG   OBP  SBSLG    HM   G  AB   H  2B 3B HR R  RBI
1B Piazzas    Clark    0.214 0.277 0.354  77.61 114 421  90 14  0 15 44  51
2B Wet Sox    Vina     0.243 0.294 0.337  96.65 148 540 131 12  9  3 51  35
SS Towers     Aurilia  0.194 0.257 0.248 100.72 123 315  61  9  0  2 28  21
3B Wet Sox    Fryman   0.244 0.287 0.381  86.55 158 619 151 33  2 16 69  79
C  Rock       Alomar   0.254 0.282 0.340  84.06 141 456 116 16  0  8 41  50
CF Dogs       Bragg    0.195 0.295 0.237 101.48 118 333  65 15  0  1 27  27
OF Mangos     Carter   0.211 0.248 0.400  91.45 148 577 122 24  9 24 70  83
OF Barracudas Hamilton 0.263 0.316 0.344  89.17 149 593 156 25  2  3 68  42

NOTES:  Darren Bragg of the Dogs takes the '96 award for "Hackingest Masser" 
with his best imitation of hitting like a pitcher.   Rich Aurilia continues 
a long standing Tower tradition of horrendous play by a shortstop (if you 
recall, Pat Listach took the honor in '95).  The outfield spots are powered by
Joe "have I peaked yet?" Carter and Darryl Hamilton.  Anchoring the catching
position is "like a" Rock receiver Sandy Alomar.  

HUCKING MASS TEAM
PS Team        NAME       ERA  WHIP   HUMA  W L  S G  GS CG SH   IP  BB  K  
SP Mangos      Benes,Al   9.02 2.01 1251.60 3 21 0 34 33  0  0 150.2 97 111 
SP Brewins/TOR Gardner    6.10 1.75  686.79 8 15 0 36 33  0  0 178.2 80 148 
SP Zippys      Valenzuela 6.16 1.73  565.94 8 14 0 40 25  0  0 149.0 70  96 
SP Mangos      Johns      6.77 1.71  548.45 3 13 0 25 24  0  0 129.0 44  71 
SP Fish        Alvarez    6.13 1.60  540.90 7 20 0 33 33  1  1 180.2 64 150 
RP Brewins     Boskie     7.66 1.68  688.42 5 12 3 55 14  1  0 138.2 50 106 
RP Piazzas     DiPoto     8.36 2.04  664.77 1  4 0 55  0  0  0  85.0 49  52 
RP Climbers    Carmona    6.93 2.04  548.05 2  1 2 54  0  0  0  85.2 50  60 
RP Zippys/PKC  Brocail    7.81 1.98  381.75 2  3 0 24  3  0  0  55.1 26  33 
RP Climbers    Bielecki   7.80 1.70  380.54 6  6 1 67  1  0  0  72.2 25  67 

NOTES:  Alan Benes is in a class by himself.  33 games started, roughly
4 1/2 innings per start, Benes had an ERA over 9 and a WHIP over 2 to give
him a HUMA score nearly twice that over the next guy.  The thin air of
Coors helped the Climbers place three relievers, Rafael Carmona, Mike
Bielecki as well as assuring Doug Brocail of making the team after his
tour of duty in the first part of the season.